Thursday, 20 February 2014

Is being friends the right thing to do?

Ninjamuffinduck says:
we didn't break up because of arguements or issues between us, it was more issues at the situation.
We are both at uni and the distance got to him as well as him feeling that he didn't know where his life was going and he just didn't want this right now.

The actual relationship was good.

However he said he doesn't want to lose me cos I'm an amazing person and wants to stay friends.

Personally I think it'll be tough being friends but if we could get back together I would try because I think if the situation was right, where we could properly be together then I think the relationship would really work.

We're gonna talk about it soon but I just would like a bit of advice of what to do
Although I don't want to lose him romantically, I don't want to fully lose him out of my life either. 

You have made the crucial point yourself - it would be tough being friends because you would always be wanting more. I don't know if this helps but I met my wife whilst on vacation at uni. When I had to go back I was inclined to end it, but she was DETERMINED to make it work - she'd come to see me every fortnight at enormous expense. We've now been married 28 years.
I am inclined to suggest you fight for this love until you are convinced he doesn't love you back. If you end up friend-zoned, you will simply be frustrated and unable to move on. Fight for him or leave him completely behind, painful though that will be.

I can't bear to see my ex with his fiancee!

Lucia says:
We were together for three years. Then he changed his mind, and told me to be just friends and said we can't marry, and now he is getting marry to an other girl.

He doesn't seem that happy, but when ever I see he is laughing with his fiance, I feel too sad.

I stop contacting him, but I see him in our club sometimes.

This feeling hurts me that I feel he is happy with his life after making me sad, and he knows I am sad. But he doesn't do anything.

He just said he is sorry for hurting me, and he said he can't bear the pain of guilt and he cried.

But I am still sad. His apologize didn't change my mood. Because I think if he was really sorry, he would never done such thing to us.

How can I cope with this pain of seeing him happy and do not suffer???

Thank you 

Many of us have been there - seeing your ex with someone else. Exceedingly painful isn't it? It only really becomes easier when you yourself have moved on and built a new life for yourself, and that takes time. Be patient, it does get better. There is life, a much better one, after your ex. Go on YouTube and sing along to Gloria Gaynor's I WILL SURVIVE a few times. It's inspiring!

Do I fight on for this relationship?

Cheyenne says:
My boyfriend and I just broke up a few days ago after 14 months. We had our problems, and we would fight often but when we were good, gosh things were great. He would always tell me he loves me. We would cry together when we would explain our feelings for each other and how scared we were to lose each other. He would write me the most heart touching cards. He talked about if he had the money, all the things we would buy for me and so much more. Now that were broken up idk what to do. He still tells me he loves me and he wishes things didn't have to be this way. He posts really sad tweets and facebook statuses about how he wishes we could start over. Last time we saw each other we were crying because we lost each other. He says that he promises it's not goodbye and that he'll be back but now, he hardly responds to my texts begging for him to take me make and when he does he just says time is the only thing that will change us. What do I do? Keep fighting or let go? I'm so lost )': 

What you have omitted from your story is a crucial piece of information - WHY you broke up. That has a strong effect on whether the relationship can be saved. Is the issue more or less important than the relationship?

Do I stay with him?

Everly says:
In the past few years my husband and I have had ups and downs. He's been unfaithful, he's lied ( about silly things as well as about the cheating), and we're still together. Yes, we weathered the storm and now we're planning on moving forward together. He is very sorry for past mistakes; he loves me and wants to be a good husband again.... but while I care about him deeply, ( he is family) I don't think I love him romantically any more. I'm trying hard, because I know that potentially, we can have a nice life together. We get on well, we are good friends. But secretly I long for more. We haven't had sex for more than 3 years, because he has ED. This makes me feel sad and yes...a little resentful, given the affairs.... I dont want to hurt him..I don't know what I want. Is companionship and tenderness enough? Am I under valuing this aspect of our relationship in search of something possibly more transient? I sometimes feel content... ...other times, sad. 

ED is dealt with, now relatively inexpensively, with Viagra, and I should know! But that really isn't the crux of the issue. If you don't love this guy you are choosing to sacrifice your happiness for him. This gives you a stark choice - you hurt or he does.
This is YOUR life, and it's limited - spend it in the most fulfilling way, or you'll regret it bitterly when it's too late.

I'm worried that I will never find love

Soniya says:
I hate the disparity between the sexes…a confident, attractive and successful woman of 34 is scared that she will never find love but a 40+ man almost always knows there are several options for him even women as young as 30-35 will want him..
how can a lady improve her chances? please don't say compromise..since we all want a partner we are attracted to and compatible with..

for example, I am attracted to taller (5.9) and above, good looking guys with good personality and decent work…since i offer the same.. 

I strongly recommend joining a dating site/agency. It would cut out all the "hoping the right one turns up" and would be well worth the cost, allowing you to pick and choose potential candidates. My best friend met his wife through such an agency.

My mum doesn't like my boyfriend

Rathy says:
I mean she doesn't even know him well and she has never met him but my sister and my mum are saying that he's probably not even committed and that he is probably jut playing with me... Isn't it slightly unfair of them to say that when they haven't even met him and seen how lovely he is? and every time my mother gets angry at me, she always shouts at me by saying that when I'm older, I'll be having a lot of one night stands and basically labelling me as a S**T. I don't understand.
By the way, I come from India but i was practically raised in England and my mum has always told me that she's 'different' from other parents and that she would not mind if I had a boyfriend. But now that I do, she keeps judging me and its like the whole family has turned against me just because of the reason that I am seeing a guy who i really like. And now my mother is also saying that Im not allowed to go out to see him...but I like him and do you think it is okay for me to keep seeing him secretly? or is there a way to talk to my mum about this without her head literally blowing up with anger? :( Im sixteen by the way. 

Your mother clearly has issues from some kind of bad experience and is afraid for you. That said, you have the right to live your own life. If I was in your position I would secretly date the person until I was of age. Short of locking you up, I can't see her stopping you.

If you want to reason with your mother, try getting her head first - ask if she has had any bad experiences herself.

He didn't text me back

Brodi says:
So there's this guy in one of my classes and I really like him. In person when we talk he seems like he might like me too because he always gives me this look and he looks right into my eyes and smiles( I know that sounds lame, but it's true) and he's always messing around with me. Even one of my friends told me that she noticed the way he looks at me and notices that he flirts with me a lot. And also my friends and i were all talking with him and he said he has "high standards" but said it in a joking way and one of my friends was like "how tall does she have to be" and he was like "not very because I like short girls" and he looked at me when he said it. Maybe it was just a coincidence that he looked at me and I just so happened to be short but still. So over the weekend I texted him "hey(:" and he never replied. What does that mean? He still acts the same in person, but he never texts me. It's just confusing. 

It might just mean he didn't know how to respond. What is for sure is that this is going nowhere unless one of you has the courage to ask the other one out.

What do I do about this difficult relationship?

Radostin Petrov says:
I think I must start with the fact that I'm a teenager and these things happen a lot to people at my age. I've been in a relationship with a girl (I'm a boy) for 4 months now being both happy and sad with it(mostly because I'm extremely jelious). I also am really egoistic and i know it. There' s another girl that has caught my interest who i am sure about 70% that likes me back but my girlfriend is really jelious of her. I would really like to spend more time with that girl but i think i may have had a bad influence with my gf and last night she even cried while we were on the phone that she is afraid to lose me and wants to be with me forever. I dont know what to do now as i certainly dont want to hurt her. She as well as the other girl is from my class and i am afraid that even a bad look from any of them caused by any reason would kill me inside. I know i act really selfish i just want to know how to get through the situation.
P.S. today i saw the other girl (not my gf) in the bus

To your credit you have been very honest about yourself - you have admitted you are jealous and hypocritical, but you have also shown a conscience and a desire to do the right thing.

I don't think anyone else can decide your next move for you, but these truths may guide you.
1. Relationships must include trust - no trust, no relationship, just a mess.
2. Often to do the right thing involves hurting someone's feelings - that musn't stop you doing it.
3. Always be honest with yourself about what you really want. Don't go for what you think you should want instead of what you really want - that will just make you unhappy.
4. Don't ever let fear determine your actions - you will feel fear anyway, so feel it but do the right thing regardless.

Good luck - trust what your heart tells you. 

My 13 year old daughter wants to date

Tim Says:
My 13 year old daughter recently asked me if she was allowed to date. She said she wanted to date this 14 year old boy (Let's call him Thomas). She has known the boy for about 8 months. I've met him several times and he's a really nice boy. He's only dated one other girl and their relationship lasted 8 months. I don't worry about her having sex because she is FTM (some transgender thing) and she is very uncomfortable with her girl parts. So Im just wondering if I should allow it or not?

I don't see an issue. I've heard it said that parenting teens is like holding a wet bar of soap. Hold too tightly and you will crush the bar or it will shoot out of your hand. Hold too loosely and it will drop away. So hold the bar gently but surely. Let her do her thing, give her freedom to make choices, but step in if and when her wellbeing is threatened. Short of this, let her learn through her own mistakes and successes.

Why can't guys stay loyal?

Anonymous says:
I mean seriously I don't understand you immature, pathetic, disgusting, cold heated guys who cheat, in the end you will be lonely, no girl wants a cheater. I'm just so curious as to why it so easy for guys to cheat. You know what if you fell for another chick how bout you do the right thing and break up with your gf then be with the other girl instead of cheat on your gf. In life I believe you will never be satisfied if you constantly try to look for better, how bout trying this stay with one for life like I don't understand, work issues out, just DON'T CHEAT.
You never realise what you have till it's gone. 

In the first place, be reassured that we are not ALL like that.

Of course a lot of guys are. This is because male sexuality is fundamentally different. Females are the ones who have the babies. Therefore, female sexuality is based on the best scenario for a child - a strong committed single individual. Males are driven by genes that want to spread their seed as far and wide as possible. Females grant sex as an honour, men grasp it as a prize! Females have sex to get relationships, men have relationships to get sex.

That said, there is far more to a person than their sexuality. A good strong man is capable (up to a point) of controlling his sexuality for the one that he loves. That is he kind of man you are looking for. 

She wants to take it slower than I would like

James says:
Met a girl about 3 weeks ago and we get on really well.
We've met up about 4/5 times now and i've been to her house and met her parents and she's been to mine etc.

Last night, I was at her house and she cooked dinner. We were in her bedroom and I told her that I really like her and attracted to her and asked if we could take things further.

She said she really likes me and and likes spending time with me and she's glad I told her . She's also turned down other guys for me. But she's starting a new job next week and for the moment, she's going to be working 2x jobs. She said she didn't have any expectations and wanted to focus on herself for a bit. We still passionately kissed and it was awesome.

I told her i'm in no rush as this is still kind of new to me. She still wants to see me. I said the last thing I want is to be friend-zoned and she said she's not going to do that to me.

Just wondering if anyone has been in this situation before? Not sure where to go from here to be honest. Feel a little bit heartbroken 

Easy tiger! I don't see a problem here. it is normally the prerogative of girls to set the pace. If you want her, you will accept that and enjoy your times together. The spaces between are good for you, keeping you interested and at the same time allowing you both to grow as individuals. Accept her reassurances and trust her unless/until you have firm evidence she no longer wants you. 

How do I tell her our friendship is over?

Jess says:
So me and my best friend have been friends for over 4 years, we were so close and did everything. Only recently I have noticed that she has been hanging out with other people, which is fine because I do it too. The only issue is that she never makes time for me at all, I'm ALWAYS the one to text her first, ALWAYS the one to meet up or arrange someone thing, it's likes she doesn't even like me. I perfectly understand her moving on but when we try and talk she makes excuses such as, 'sorry I'm busy' and Never texts me back even tho she said she will. It's annoying because I feel like she is just stringing me along because she always says that we are bff's but it doesn't seem like we are. So, I have come to the conclusion and descision to not be friend with her at all, she's really hurting my feelings so I don't want to have to deal with her at all, she's never there for me when I need her most so why should I bother? How do I tell her that I don't want to be friends anymore?

I don't think you need to do anything. Just do what she's been doing! She'll soon get the message. I don't think you need a formal closing ceremony, just go your own way. 

Is she playing games with me?

The Unknown says:
I met this lady friend of mine last year after she basically dragged me to her student flat to show me off to her friends and say how gorgeous i was. I get called tat a lot (not being vain). Anyways a few weeks later she gave me her house number and said 'call me if u feel like calling'. This was last year though. She is a 10/10 blonde who every guy in my uni thinks is a beauty. And a very flirty outgoing girl. During the summer last year we'd text on and off, soemtimes i'd initiate sometimes she would. It wasn't like everyday or anythin. Sometimes as a friend she'd say things like 'i hate everyone' or 'i hate everyone how are you?' Another time she once texted me saying 'my friend is takig ages to arrive to this trai station, entertain me xx'. We were friends
Tpwards the end of last year when i was starting uni again she messaged me on facebook saying 'looking forward to sleeping with girls in freshers week are we ;)'. And eventually when she asked about my love life and told her about theres a girl that keeps chasing me who i dont like she told me to go for her and that shes pretty. I thought she was acting weird here. We at somepoint had a minor fallout. Even though we made up we didnt talk for 2 months. However when i saw her last month on a night out she gave me a soft smile and kinda parred as opposed to the tight hugs shed normally give me. When i saw her at the bar she started kissing me and said i was a good kisser. Then she walked off completely. Another night when i saw her again a soft smile and kinda ignored me.

But then last week when i saw her out and she ignored me i went home early out of boredom. I woke up to 2 texts from her asking where i was. During the night 2 days ago she text me and asked if i was awake and said that i could come see her at a bar if i wanted to. I couldnt be bothered i asked her to bring her and her lady friends to my flat to chill with my boys. She was so drunkk kept punching me playfully. Before she left she gave me a kiss on the lips and cheek. She then texted me saying ' have a fun night with your friends xx'.

I got a tweet from her the next day saying 'thanks for hosting me last night, duno how you put of with me all the time x'. Is she playing games ? I think she is!

If a serious relationship was going to develop, it would have done by now. You are two people who basically like each other but not so much that you have fallen head over heels in love. She is just a natural flirt - which is fine, we all do it! If you're looking for a serious relationship, this isn't the place to look, and you need to avoid her if she's messing with your head.

Wednesday, 19 February 2014

Only one guy doesn't laugh at me

Joleen says:
i started a couple of months ago for sports lessons picking up sports, but i end up joining all guys group, and recently all guy friends there laughed at me whenever i make a mistake, even my coach.
my coach also made fun of me by throwing tennis balls on the ground where i could not reach with my racquet at all, making it like a broom. =(

so should i continue sports lessons?

however there is only one guy friend who does not laugh at me and he continues to guide me and cheer me on.. why he doesnt laugh at me while the rest (even the coach) laugh? 

Ask him! What he says will help you make the right decision!

He's not making me happy

Milka says:
He is very decent, way too decent. He doesn’t want to hurt me and loves me a lot. He is into meditation, yoga etc. a very simple, respecting silent guy. I actually feel lucky to have a such a guy with me. He is also in a really high possision it makes for a easier to spend on things which we both like and have fun.
Only thing: He is pretty less romantic, doesn’t make an effort to understand my desires. He fogets my birthday and cries and says sorry… He is just this way. He goes on business trips and says he won’t be using his mobile because of roaming and no time for a call or skype. Once he was on a long trip for a month and called me just twice and had no proper contact details since he was on company trips.

I felt so terrible. Missed me to the extent of I thought I never want to meet him again. He hates texting, doesn’t care about his looks. Etc etc.

We are more like THE BEST FRIENDS than a couple. As friends we have lots and lots of fun, laugh a lot, play together. But when it comes to the emotional part of relationship. I feel disappointed… I am more emotionally bound with him than he is with me. He is more a practical guy. He loves me without any expectations on me. Even that hurts me sometimes. Is it wrong that I expect him to give me a hug me sometime? 

Let's get real here - this guy disappoints you and is not fulfilling your needs - something's got to give! You will only be unhappy if this continues. You need to tell him what you need, and if he can't deliver, you need to move on. I know you don't want to hurt the guy, but being stuck with the wrong one is far more painful in the wrong one.

I still think about my ex

Tammy says:
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. Throughout our relationship I've thought about my ex but I don't understand why. I don't feel any love for him or miss anything we had together because I'm better off now. I've thought about my ex to the point where I can't take it no more.. I would force myself to think about my ex and I being together but that only makes me feel nothing.. I don't miss him or the relationship.. I don't feel like I love him.. I feel scared for my current relationship. It's the best I've ever had and I don't want to lose it.. my heart is telling me to stay, but my mind is telling me to try to force something with my ex if I keep thinking about him.. my ex and I also did not have a very good relationship so I keep thinking what ifs since he said he's changed and still loves me after 3 years..

This is a serious case of denial - the reality is you still desire your ex, even though you're with a better guy. I'm afraid neither love nor lust do logic - we don't desire the most the ones who treat us best!

What's going on is the REVERSE of what you're saying - your MIND says stay, your heart and other parts are saying something else!

However, that doesn't mean you should necessarily seek out the other guy - it just means you need to be honest with yourself - you still desire him. Accept it as a fact! That does NOT make you a bad person - we cannot help what feelings we have.

However, what you feel and what you decide to do are separate things. Get some space to yourself, maybe a day or so on your own, and honestly ask yourself this question - what would make you really happy? Don't try and figure it out like a math problem - just listen to your heart. It doesn't use words or explanations, you just KNOW the answer. Whatever the answer is, that's where you need to go.

My boyfriend has no penis!

Cat says:
Well like yesterday me and my "male" partner wanted to have sex, but unfortunately when I removed his trousers, he did not seem to have any form of dick down there. I am genuinely confused and I don't know what to do.
Should I talk to him or maybe run away? I honestly have no idea. 

There are several possible explanations, but why are you asking us and not him/her? That's where all the answers are! Since this question is already out there, the most likely explanation is that he is transgender, a girl genetically who psychologically is male.

She doesn't seem to know what she wants

Kieran says:
I'm so angry at myself. I am in love with this girl… have been for months. me and her used to be mega close and she has told me things that she has never told anyone else. she used to fancy/like me last year and i let her chase me without taking action because I'm an idiot. she got a boyfriend and my life was hell for about 4 months. i realised i loved her to bits. everything about her, her appearance, her personality, the lot. i want to be with her, she's damaged from a rocky few years she's had and is fragile and vulnerable and i want to hold her in my arms at night with her knowing that she's is loved and is safe and no matter how hard life gets i love her.

However she recently broke up with her boyfriend. and i thought i could try and start things up with her as we remained close friends and she gave me mixed signals but when i told her how i felt she said that she chased me for months and she didn't even see me, ( yeah the most regretted thing I've ever done! ) and that she only sees me as a friend and that I'm the cutest guy she knows and she adores me but I'm trying to settle for something less than i should, i was devastated. i told her i couldn't be friends with her anymore because id be always wanting more, and we didn't say a word to each other until friday where she text me saying ' she misses me immensely' so my heart strings were pulled. i ended up leaving her a voicemail telling her how much i loved her and she said she'd ' had a think about it and will call me the next day'.

next day came and no phone call, i got upset ( this was today ) and ended up having a MASSIVE argument with her ending up in her saying she will not say a word to me ever again so none of us will get hurt. it contained a lot of my feelings towards her and how I've been there when she cries in the middle of the night, when boys hang her out to dry and ditch her, when every things getting too much for her she texts me and i tell her everything is going to be ok. I'm always there for her and she used to like me as we used to fantasise about being with each other and how much we wanted to snuggle at night and be together.

from what she said she was talking to this other guy who will only treat her like **** and use her for one thing. i know this because i know the guy quite well and i ended up saying to her after she said he was ignoring her ;

want to really know why Ryan's ignoring you? because he wants you for one thing and one thing only and you haven't given it up to him yet and now he's getting less and less interested... feel free to disagree but I'm a guy so i know what some guys think, I'm deleting this number now i think because I'm so angry, upset, confused, i thought you were different to every other girl, your not a ****, your not a *****, you were actually my best friend and then feelings caught up and after months of playing and playing with them you just got bored and shattered my heart... , you've used me as emotional support, ego booster in other words and I'm not going to be that anymore, i wanted a normal relationship with the girl I've come to adore no more no less and I'm not going to settle for being ' just friends ' and listening to all the guys playing you and taking advantage of you. your fragile and soft, something that shouldn't be thrown around

it didn't go down well and the last message i put was this;

i know you know when you cry at night and need somebody to talk to that all you'd have to do is put a ' :( ' to my phone, whatever the time and you'll get a reply in at least 1 minute, thats because my phone is always next to me waiting for your name to pop up on the screen, its been a habit since i fell for you and thought you liked me and ill probably carry on doing it... i don't care if your phone is off now, if you feel like ever, later tonight, tomorrow, next week, next month, or even later down the line actually talking to me like a genuine person you care about again, all you have to do is call or text. because i know what me and you felt for each other last year is not lost forever and ill continue to believe that until i can't bear to any longer. i want to snuggle up to you at night and let you fall asleep in my arms knowing that your loved, your safe and valued and knowing that no matter how hard life gets, ill always make room for you. that is my LAST MESSAGE until i get a reply, which could be never

I've just ruined everything i had with this girl. i love her so much ): and its all gone… she said I've treated her like a princess etc. but i feel like such i bad person now ): she has texted me in the middle of the night with a ' :( ' with no ambition of a conversation. just saying that she's sad. we both said sorry and we'd talk about it soon. but she once again came back to me :( 

This very long story is a very simple situation - you know what you want and she doesn't. This leaves you with a clear choice: persist with her in the hope she'll see it's you she needs, or let her go completely, heal and move on. Logic dictates that choice 2 will be less painful in the long run, but since when was love logical?
You certainly need to stop blaming yourself. You didn't screw up - she is screwing you up by not knowing what she wants. My inclination would be to say "call me when you want to go with me, but don't expect me to wait forever" Easy for me to say, it's not my feelings.

If you can't walk away, I sadly believe that you have a lot more heartache coming your way.

Am I capable of a serious relationship?

Diana says:
I am 20 years old and I have to admit that I honestly don't know what type of partner I would become. When I was in high school, I had a few immature relationships, but that was definitely not love. Then I met this guy, we were in a relationship for 2 years, but it wasn't healthy so I decided to end it. Ever since that serious relationship, I went back to the old "me" where I just went around date different guys, maybe had a few relationships, but my heart was never committed to them. I don't know exactly who I am and I don't know what is love (It's too abstract for me to interpret). My relationship stories are a ritual. First, I would feel something, then I thought I was in love so I stepped ahead, and then relationship, but it ALWAYS have a maximum amount of date (even before I had that serious relationship, I was like that). It always ends within a month or so, only that single guy passed 1 month.
I don't really know what's going on with me, and sometimes I'm well confused with my emotions. Eventually I don't want to trust my feelings anymore, because it's only temporary. I am an introverted extrovert. I am able to please people, to make people laugh, but I'm not good at expressing my feelings. I guess I have this trust issue for people in general, I communicate with my head more than interacting with others when it comes to difficulties. The relationships became extremely difficult for me because I always tend to rationalize everything, and I have this evil thing where I always have to test guys. (Like asking random questions and analyze their answers, or judge them based on their behavior).

In my past relationships, I was never the girl where I would depend on the guy, and to be honest, most guys I date were just too immature, dumb for me. I am not trying to downgrade men, but I just think I'm way to intellectual than most of them. I feel like I can never let my guard down, and I trust myself way too much so I doubt others (girls are another matter, I'm talking about men here). Once in a while, I would fancy a relationship with a man so that someone can accompany me, but this 'need' diminishes as the reality and facts hit. I really can't picture myself being with anyone, and days passed by, It's been four years since my last serious relationship. I know I'm still young, but I am well confused here, so please if anyone could answer these questions for me. Appreciate it! 

Your problem is, never having been in love, or having no idea what it is or if it really exists, you don't really know what you want from a relationship.

You can pick up guys any time, but unfortunately, you can't choose love, love chooses you, at a time and place of its own choosing. Some folks never experience it.

However, none of these means there is anything wrong with you, and there is no rule that says a relationship must be serious and committed. In addition, from what you're saying, I don't think you're doing anything bad. If I guy can't keep your interest, then he just isn't "the one" - next please!

I really would just accept yourself as you are and continue to date guys on your own terms. But whatever you do or don't do, love isn't something you can schedule. And from experience, be careful what you wish for. True love is one hell of a roller-coaster. 

Why am I so jealous?!

Elle says:
I have this guy friend and we are very close but he is 3 years older than me and we are in highschool. I like him and have a huge crush on him but I am just a friend to him. Recently another friend of mine (female) met this guy, she is one year older than me. This friend ahas a boyfriend but yesterday she told me she liked him. It was at school and I started to feel sick and sad. Today at school she said he knows she likes him and she thinks he likes her too. I was also unwell today so I went home at lunch. I got home and my female friend messaged me that she and my crush walked home together and it was funny (me and my guy friend usually walk home together) she is talking about him a lot and I feel very jealous. I don't even want to like him. I feel angry and sad and sick to my stomach about this stupid boy. Why do I have to be so jealous?!? 

Your problem is that boys and girls can't really be friends if one secretly has the hots for the other. You did what was the expedient thing rather than the best thing and now you're paying the price for that. There is still time for you to take one of two options. The best thing requires both courage and ruthlessness - to tell him how you really feel and always felt. Whatever happens, everyone will understand each other.

The other option is to accept you missed your chance, let him go and keep him at arm's length, and if he asks why, be straight with him.- you can't be his friend when you want to be his lover. This is a textbook case of what happens when you take what seems to be the easiest path - it just makes things harder!

When you feel something, you can't deny it because it's inconvenient. People are not motivated by logic, but by desire! You have now learned this the hard way. Make your play or back away.

Tuesday, 18 February 2014

What's my next move?

Alan says:
Well let's get a few things out of the way first.
I have just recently gotten out of a 4 year relationship. The relationship has been dead for a while before we broke up however so that's not really an issue.

She also just got out of a major relationship, although she's been single for a little longer than I.

We are coworkers. Again not really an issue

I am 22 she is 19

Now on to the good part. So we work together at a bowling alley. She works at the counter, and I attend the lanes. As such I have the freedom to go around and talk to whosoever I please, but I almost always gravitate towards her on days we work together. We Always seem to have fun talking to each other and shes always quick to tell me the latest happenings, be they work related or not. I've known her for about a year and always had somewhat of an attraction to her but never thought anything of it as we were both in relationships. Not sure if I like her or I just don't want to be single. I haven't done this in 4 years!

There's a simple test to decide whether to go any further. If she suddenly moved away, how would you feel? If you would just shrug your shoulders and move on, clearly there's not much above the physical going on. If on the other extreme, you were gutted, maybe you should ask her out while you still can.

If you really don't know what you want, then the kindest thing to do is not lead her on. 

Why do young people have sex so soon?

Sammi says:
Just wanted to get some views. Basically found out yesterday my 15year old sis has had sex. Now i can't judge because I two first had sex at 15, but the difference is I had a lot more crap going on and my bf at the time, made out he'd take me away from it all and love me forever blah blah, soon disappeared after and I wasn't in a good place to make a mature decision, just did it. Now there's 8years difference between us and I always hoped and talk to her about just waiting til 16 so she's a bit more mature and knows everything about sex and protection, brief detail, never promoted it. But she's done the same.
Why are children ranging from 12-15yrs having sex. I have a 2yr old daughter and I'm now worried that in the long future, is my daughter to going to be having sex young? Is it the schools fault for poor sex education or the parents? Are the friends they hang around with, encouraging it or promoting it as the cool thing to be doing as soon as possible? In the uk the law says 16 is the legal age to have sex and work, just like 17 to drive, 18 to drink. I've always thought 16 was young, sex affects you with out you realising at that age, I remember just feeling empty after, like oh that's all he wanted from me. It's happened now and I hope my sis had a better experience and never regrets it, but now it's the part of possible young pregnancy and I think that scares me more, don't want that for her or to consider abortion, you know what I mean, sex complicates everything if your not mature enough to deal with it like an adult. Yeh it's fun, and I was stupid when I was younger but is this society in the next decade still going to see an increase of under age sex, young pregnancies and more abortions due to this, or kids from broken homes, in foster care? More children on benefits because their not even legal to work yet and then have to claim for the rest of their life because they don't have qualifications as couldn't finish high school? It's just shocking and worrying now. You can see now in the 21st century, kids just don't stay kids and want to be adults straight away. But how do we slow them down and make them see being a child is a great thing and goes too quickly, you spend your whole life being an adult, it's boring! Sex is every where so I will talk to my kids at an appropriate age, but what's that age? I'm not one of those people, I have a health view on sex and will hopefully make sure my kids do too. 'm just asking.

If a teen wants to have sex, there's not a lot you can do to stop it directly. We can however help the situation a lot by providing lots of free non-judgemental help, education, advice and support, so they are fully aware of the consequences and the different mindsets of boys and girls, which basically boil down to this: boys have relationships to get sex, and girls have sex to get relationships.

This gives a shrewd girl a degree of power - she can set the terms, time and place. Boys who use the "you would if you love me" tactic can be responded with "if you love me you'll wait until I'm ready". On a practical note, any girl having unprotected sex needs in the first instance to get the morning after pill, and secondly get herself tested for chlamydia and HIV.

Guys and girls who are better informed and understand each other will make better decisions, but there will always be fools.

Should I ban him from speaking to another girl?

Jane 17:
I always find that men and women have different opinions on this question, do you think its wrong to tell your boyfriend not to speak to a girl because you get jealous about it?

This depends partly on the circumstances. It is natural to be jealous and possessive, but that will destroy your relationship if you don't control it. Guys like to see their girls jealous - it boosts their ego. However you will need to get across that you want him to make OTHER girls jealous by affirming you in public. I would also consider a "trust pact". You will trust him absolutely unless or until it's proven he was unfaithful, then he's out, no second chance. Trust is essential to any relationship, but make clear you don't give it lightly and it can't be fixed once broken. 

How do I compliment her?

b92 says;
Hello everybody. I need your help. There is this one girl I am really good friends with and I have a huge crush on her. She is the most beautiful girl I ever met. What are some cute/adorable way to tell her that she is more the most beautiful girls I have ever met. I am kind of shy with girls so I'll probably blush will saying it to her she get offended if I do. Are some ways that I could say it so she won't think I'm a creep. She has a really hot body and most of the guys who compliment her just want to get in her pants, but I dont I want to truly make her feel special and I appreciate her for her personality. How can I compliment her? I'm 20 she's 18

Good man, you have the right attitude. You have probably guessed already that you don't just tell her she's got great ****.

Ladies like to be complimented on their choices, actions and spheres of interest, so look for the common ground on things you both enjoy that you can say (truthfully) that you enjoy too. Compliment things like her choice of dress, makeup and accessories, and any work or achievements, and where possible show how you value her opinion.

How do I break up with her?

Confused says:
I have met a girl over internet. Initially I haven't seen each other. We have exchanged mobile numbers and have texted each other for few months. Then I came to know she has feelings for me so I proposed her. She said Yes. As we haven't meet each other till that point, I visited her town just to see her. After meeting her I came to know she is a very sweet simple looking girl. I continue visiting her town in every other month. Its been two years we are together but from couple of months I am getting the feeling that I am not any more attracted to her. And wants to break up. But the problem is that even though I discussed my problem with her she did not understand and she is not ready TO BREAK UP. She loves me so much. I don't know what to do now...!!! 

If you are looking for a painless way out, there isn't one. You are inevitably going to break her heart. However it is absolutely what you must do. She will eventually heal and find love again, with someone who loves her back. Do not hesitate a moment longer and do what must be done. Then you too can move on.

Should an architect marry a navy officer?

Creator says:
I am an architecture student and my boyfriend will soon become an officer in indian navy, if i marry him, what will be the scope for my job and future? 

I think your career will work out just fine, but much of your relationship will be spent apart, with you left to cope alone with any children and home problems. Some pay this price and it works just fine - all the passion gets squeezed into the times together and they can be intense. Trust your intuition to tell you if this is right for you. 

How can I forgive myself?

fergiedoggy says:
I'm really upset and scaredHi all
I'm not asking for niceness but I feel extremely low
I stupidly fell for a guy that was attached we were good friends and he helped me through a. Lot of personal stuff he was with a girl he bought a house with. He told everyone at work they weren't getting in and she was this that etc
We began working together a lot and he was paying me compliments very charming Etc and sending me poems chatting to me for hours etc
I started falling for him and eventually we did kiss a few times
After that he became distant and cold and my confidence plummeted I didn't know what I'd done so I began calling and texting a lot
Last year he kept me at distance by text and would see me
Towards the end if last year he said my worrying and anxiety was getting too much and cut ties
I blamed myself and have tried 3 times since to see him at work and he's given me a final warning to stay away :(
I feel like one of those creepy stalkers and I'm not
Please help me forgive myself :( 

What's going on here is that you fell for a guy who used you, and you tried to cling on to him for too long and now you feel guilty about the whole thing.
When we fall for someone, we're no longer fully in control of ourselves. We do and say things our logic and intuition would rather we didn't. EVERYBODY when put in the wrong situation is capable of doing the wrong thing.

It's time to forgive yourself. he led you on and played with your feelings in the first place. None of this makes you a bad person. Time to get your focus on right now. When you lose, don't lose the lesson. What you experienced makes you a slightly wiser and different person, so stop punishing yourself for being who you were. All the things we regret in life help us lead better lives now.

Also, be aware that just because guys show you kindness and affection doesn't mean they're nice right through to the core. Time to move on sweetheart.

Do girls like muscular guys?

Your Brother says:
I am 14, I got solid arms and shoulders with 6 pack. My abs aren't very big but it's big enough to see.
Anyways this girl told this other girl about how muscular I was behind me, would I impress this other girl?

This is a bit like saying "how long is a piece of string?" Everyone has their own personal taste and their own idea of the ideal partner. The best you can say is lots of girls do like muscular guys. The only real way to find out is grab yourself some courage and go talk to her. It's by talking, not mind-reading, that you'll be successful in relationships.

I'm confused about my guy

Jenny says:
The beginning of January I met a guy on tumblr. He randomly followed me and I decided to follow him back. After a few weeks of him following me, I decided to send him a message telling him I liked his blog. He replied and thanked me. I replied and said you're welcome. He ended up introducing himself to me and we exchanged KIKs. He lives in Canada and I live in California. It's now been a month since we began to talk and he's so nice to me. We don't talk everyday, mainly on the weekends because we're both busy with school and stuff. We end up talking for hours on KIK. He tells me I'm cute and sweet. He thinks I'm lovely. He told me he enjoys talking to me. We exchanged Skype names and sometimes we talk on Skype for hours. He calls me babe/baby. He also gets jealous when I mention my guy friends. Sometimes he gives me the "just friends" card and then he gives me the "more than friends" card. We've had intimate conversations (phone sex) over the phone too. I've told my best friends about this and they all tell me he likes me, but I don't know. Help? I'm confused. I'm starting to really like this guy. 

If you are looking for certainty and security, I'm afraid there isn't any. Relationships is a risk business! When it starts to get serious, it sometimes evokes panic and fear. This is understandable when there are absolutely no guarantees. Some relationships are passionate then fizzle out. Some start as a friendship that grows into more and lasts forever. You name it, and a relationship has gone that way for somebody.

I think you have fallen for this guy and it's frightening you, because when you fall for someone you lose some control. No one can say if it would work out or not. The bottom line is, follow your heart not your fear. Life's a risk. If the prize is worth the risk, and the heart says GO, hold your breath, close your eyes and take that plunge into the dark. I hope it leads to happiness for you.

Thursday, 13 February 2014

Time to let go?

punkt says:
Me and my ex started seeing each other again because he wanted me to. He still had feelings left and I had some too. Anyways, we've been seeing each other for a month now and a week ago I started to notice that he was cold and acted weird with me. Like whenever I said "I love you" he figured out a way to change the subject so he wouldn't have to say it back. I talked to him about this and asked what was wrong he said nothing, I asked him several times for like 2 weeks and he said no. Until from nowhere he said that he lost his feelings for me >3 weeks ago< and didn't want to tell me. I asked him why he didn't tell me because if he had told me earlier I wouldn't have been so in love again and I would take it easier but he said he didn't have the guts. Then he said he want to try again because he loves me and he wants to try to get his feelings back by spending time with me.
I'm very in love so I said okay, and now ive been trying to hang out with him but he stills acts cold and weird. Like he never picks up the phone cause he doesn't want to talk cause he is tired, he is always to tired to go out and see me, and when we speak im the only one holding the conversation up.

I dont know what to do, ive talked to him about this that its hard for me to try with someone who even cant reply when I say I miss him. Its like he wants to try but he doesn't want to hang out with me or talk to me that much.. I dont know what to do im sick of this. But I love him.

Also we have a lot of problems because he never tells me when he feels something is wrong and when we fight he never want to solve anything cause he doesn't want to talk. What should I do? should i just tell him to tell me when he is ready to try again for real or what? I dont want to be the one fighting for him when he doesn't try at all..

Here is the reality - love takes two. Your love is unrequited, and he isn't strong enough to push you away, so you must be the strong one instead. He'll never be able to give you something he just hasn't got. You're fighting for a love that's long dead, and I think you know this already, and you just needed someone to tell you obvious.
So I'm telling you - walk away sweetheart, and save up all your lovin' for someone who's lovin' you!

Is he taken?

MNM says:
So the guy I like has this female friend. He only ever refers to her as a friend. We talked today and I asked if he had any plans on valentines. He said he joked to his boss that his friend would come over. He would give her a cookbook so she could make dinner and a vaccum and duster but she had to keep them in his house. He then tells me she is busy anyway. They did not spend thanksgiving,xmas, nye or day or his bday together either. I am not sure what to make of it.... ?? 

If you're serious about wanting to know how it is then show some courage and ask the guy out! To be honest, I don't believe in being backwards about coming forwards if you want someone. Neither does my missus. When I moved into her area I was immediately flirted with by three girls. She was one of them, and though the other was her friend she had no scruples about treading on toes to get me - and she did!

Don't "miss the bus" out of fear or "consideration" - show some courage and make your move!

Does she like me?

Matt says:
Idk I'm just plain terrible when it comes to girls. She calls me Matty instead of Matt which is kind of weird because no one calls me that. I mentioned that to her and she stays that she calls everyone named Matt that, it's supposed to be in a satirical way or something (but I have no idea if that is true). Then I was walking down the hall in front of her and she said to her friend "he must like me, that's why he's walking so fast" I turned around and "yep, that must be it" and she ended with "It definitely is". Our experience is very limited, we sit next to each other in class and that's it. We just started the semester and she didn't say a single word the first week. Then one day she was just talking to me like we were best friends. I'm not sure if she likes me and is flirting, or if I'm overreacting and that's just her personality. I'm hesitant to act not because I'm afraid of being turned down but rather because I'm afraid that I have this all wrong and it's not what she's trying to do. Im not used to girl's flirting with me and this is definitely different behavior than I am used to, so that's why I believe she is flirting. But like I said it could just be her personality. So what do you believe it is? Thanks everyone, just trying to get as many opinions on the matter as I can! 

The first question you have to ask yourself is whether you want to date this girl. Just because someone likes you or flirts with you doesn't mean you have to respond to it. You simply might not want to! If you don't, there isn't a problem. You can just enjoy the attention!

If/when you do want to date someone, then risk and courage is involved. All relationships are a risk business, even when you're dating - it can all end horribly! You need to have the courage to take the risk in the first place, and if you get burned, to move on and try again.

There aren't many of us who get lucky first time - we get rejected, burned and even heartbroken, but if that happens, you also learn. Welcome to relationships!

If you want to date this girl, just ask her out! If she says no, the rejection might hurt but you will no where you stand and you can move on. Like exercise, no pain, no gain! But never let fear of being hurt stop you taking chances. You can't be safe AND happy. Feel the fear and do it anyway! 

My boyfriend wants my ex arrested

Jennifer says:
So like my ex started flirting with me so i told him i had a boyfriend so he got mad and started messaging me alot of stuff on facebook. So my boyfriend saw the messages and beat him up so now he wants to get him arrested he messaged me on facebook about getting him arrested. 
On one hand it's nice to have a boyfriend who wants to protect you, but I fully understand that you don't want any hassle. I would suggest that if your ex "gets the message" then ask your boyfriend to drop it. If your ex continues to harass you, it's time to name and shame. Tell EVERYBODY that he is doing it and file a harassment complaint with the Police. I appreciate that you don't want any of this grief, but sometimes you just have to respond to the situation you face.

He doesn't seem to know what he wants

Future Author And Critic Says:
My ex and I broke up in early December. We had been together for almost 3 years. We broke up because I didn't realize that I was pushing him away (I didn't mean to). Then the day after we broke up he started to date some girl from his school. However, he had been cheating consistently on her with me for two months. Last month he was saying all of these things like he missed me, and that he loves me. But a few days ago he only said that stuff because he didn't want to lose me. I brought up how he lied to me and how it really hurt me because I still love him and he told me that he didn't know what he was doing?

What does that mean? And I know he didn't say those things just for sex because we agreed to have a friends with benefits relationship before he started saying those things. Is he just confused on what he wants because I accidentally pushed him away? I'm pretty sure he still loves me but he seems confused.

Greedy rather than confused might be a better word - this is a guy who wants to have his cake and eat it. I know you don't want to let him go, but if you want to hurt less in the long run, and keep your self-respect, ditch this immature individual right now.
He knows how to mess with your head and push your buttons, and the only way it will stop is for you to put yourself out of reach. Settle for nothing less than absolute loyalty, honesty and trust. This guy cannot and will never give you any of these. it will hurt and you will cry, but you'll cry a lot more and hurt a lot more if you let this go on.

My co-worker seems to like me

Careg says:
Whenever I am checking her out she watches me watch her. Also sometimes
when she knows I am watching her I get aroused and she looks for it!!!
Is there a possibility that she wants the D? Or does she just like the attention I give her?
Also when we ride together I always buy breakfast and she never turns it down.
What to do?

Only one thing to do. Show some courage and ask her out. The signs could not be any better!

Is it normal for my girlfriend to tell other guys she loves him?

Brock says:
Ok my girlfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months. She is in Choir and they have "choir children" and "choir parents" and she has a "choir son" who is a year younger than us. They constantly hug each other whenever they see each other and always tell each other they love each other. She doesn't ever hug me like she does to him and doesn't tell me she loves me in public like that either. I get really jealous when I see that and I don't know if this is normal or something?? He also has a girlfriend and I know she doesnt love him like that, but she still hugs him and says she loves him a whole lot more than she does to me. What should I do? I live in California 

What kind of bizarre choir is this?! It sounds like a well-meaning but very misguided way of doing things. If it was like adults looking after children, then I could understand it, but not when one "parent" is scarcely more mature than the "child".

You're not imagining it, this IS weird, and in my opinion, unhealthy. It means that you have to "share" her with this unwholesome setup. If I were you I would walk away right now, and date a girl you don't have to share with what seems to be a cult in all but name. 

Why wouldn't she do this in bed?

Ygnrt says:
Women when having sex have to feel comfortable around you. At least that is what I was told. Why do some girls take forever to feel comfortable around a guy? Is it have to do with trust? In one of my past relationships which lasted 5 years my ex would get upset when I would ask her to do a certain thing to me. For 4 years she always said she would, but she never did and that was a lie. She obviously didn't feel comfy enough with me. She supposedly loved me and went into depression after I dumped her. But if she loved me so much why didn't she feel comfy enough and trust me?
I am just curious what goes through a woman's head. When they say they need to feel comfortable around a guy to do things. 

If the specific activity was that important to you, you were clearly with the wrong woman! Having said that, you have more to learn about sexual relationships.

All relationships are about compromise. Inevitably in bed, you will both have different preferences. If one of yours is clearly repulsive to the other, you then have a decision to make. How much do you love her? If you love her, you will not force her or even put pressure on her to do something she hates - you will sacrifice that preference in order to keep her.

Everyone is unique, and what is sexy to one is disgusting to another - it's nothing to do with how comfortable you are in a relationship, but purely to do with what you like. I suspect that she was comfortable with you, but not with what you wanted to do.

Please understand that sexual relationships are not about you getting your way - it's about giving as well as getting pleasure. You can't give pleasure if she hates what you're doing. If you are not sexually compatible, or you are not prepared to compromise, the relationship is doomed from the start. 

How do I respond to this angry text?

Laura says:
"Can you please stop parking your car like a selfish ***, pretending you're the only one that parks in front of the house please?? I thought it would be common sense but apparently it's not. Thx"
What a b**** right ? Why does she have to use that language? She has anger issues 

She may well have anger issues, and she may well have gone about this the wrong way, but does she have a point? You need to come to an arrangement over the parking space.
Having had severe anger management issues myself, I have to tell you that only when she realizes that she is hurting the people she loves will she be ready to address her issue.

However that is HER issue. For your part, ensure that you are being fair and reasonable.

Am I too paranoid about my boyfriend?

Lee says:
I saw that my boyfriend who I trust messages his ex gf on Facebook. The messages were casual he wanted to show her the music he's making. He messaged her first though and they haven't talked in like a year; she lives cross the country but I think she's getting ideas... I got pissed at him and he said it meant nothing and he just saw her on chat and was seeing how things were going. I kept saying it was disrespectful no matter how casual it was and he felt bad and cried. 

Were my wife writing this, she would have absolutely no hesitation about this! Under no circumstances whatsoever would she tolerate me fraternizing with exes, and to be fair she wants nothing to do with her own either.
I think this is probably best. So long as you don't fraternize with your own exes, that seems fair enough to me. I would tell him that you were sorry you hurt him but the deal is that if you're together, exes from either side have no part in your lives, in return for your 100% commitment to him. If he wants to be with you he will accept that.

Should we stay or should we go?

Jessica says:
I'm 20 and my sis is 19. Were Muslim but we want to move out together before marriage. our parents are fine with it. We want to be independent. We are also close and always dreamed about having our own apartment. we also have our own reason. I live with my dad and she lives with my mother. I want to also move away bc he is a bit controlling. My sister wants to also move away bc she and my mom fight a lot. My mother always kicks her out. She always complains my sister is wasting her money bc she doesn't have a job and my mom pays for her. My sister also doesn't want to live paycheck to paycheck and not have any food. My mother always blows her money on stupid stuff. I also think my sister should move out bc my mother is a bad Influence. She drinks, parties and sleeps with guys even married ones. She smokes around my sister even though my sister tells her not to. She also lets my sister do whatever she wants. Even if it's inappropriate. the thing is I feel guilty for moving because our family are against it bc it is haram also I don't want to go against our religion. I'm scared of what others who are Muslim will think. also I feel like my sis and I could just put up with it. I feel like were making excuses. For example even though my dad is controlling I should be able to live with it bc every one who's parents are Muslim and strict deal with it yet they still live with their parents. As for my sister she could just get a job and help around the house more. I feel guilty bc I feel like my sister is moving out bc of me and Its like I'm making her go against her religion. She says she want to move to prove she can save her money and not be like my mom. But again I feel like ppl will say why can't she just get a job and help out instead of move. I think it will be good for my sister on the other hand bc it will force her to be independent. She just lays around at home and does nothing. Should we move out or stay?
By pay check to pay check I meant my moms.  

I can understand why you both want to set up home together. It would certainly suit your sister but I'm not that sure it would suit you - you may be going from the frying pan into the fire! You are a devout young woman of faith but your sister is perhaps not as much as you. Living with a close friend or relative is like all the responsibilities of marriage with none of the privileges!

I don't think what anyone else thinks is the main issue - the issue is, can you live with your sister? I am not a muslim, but I know several who are, and they tell me that Allah speaks to them through their intuition. Perhaps then you ought to trust your intuition, and obey what your heart tells you. Don't go from one bad situation to another if that's what that Inner Voice says.

Should I date this girl?

Robbie says:
Alright so a year ago i was in love with this girl ELIZABETH but she moved so we pretty much broke up. I still like her a lot though even though we haven't seen each other since then. Well yesterday at school this girl named Bella said i was funny and she liked me. She asked if i would be her boyfriend and i said i would tell her the next time we have school. I just don't know though because she is kinda weird and also i still like ELIZABETH a little bit. But if i said no she would probably start getting upset. What should i do?

Upset her and turn her down, because if you don't you'll upset her a whole lot more when she discovers that all the while your heart was elsewhere. It's much kinder in the long run to not get started. Only start dating someone who isn't Elizabeth if your heart is ready to move on.

What do I get her for Valentine's Day?

Robin Kearney says:
The pastor's daughter and I get on really well. I am a guy who is 4.5 years older than her. I tend to be a bit shy when it comes to complimenting girls and worry that it can be a turn off or that I'm stalking. We have known each other for a few years as we both go to the same church and youth group. I'm in 6th year college and she is just starting 2nd year college. A few weeks ago this girl put her arm around me during a group prayer and then afterwards slid her arm (and hand) horizontally along my mid to lower back as we moved apart. We get on really well as friends and talk after church about different things like school, hobbies, etc. She has never had a boyfriend once in her life. I have never had a girlfriend in my life. Lately, she been wearing dresses to church that expose her a bit more with shorter skirting and more of her chest/cleavage showing. She is very attractive, and kind. NOW, TO THE QUESTION: With valentines day around the corner, what could I do/say to her for it? I'll be seeing her at youth in the evening on the 14th of Feb but I wondered whether I should text her. Getting a gift seems a bit too much. What should I say, or should I just leave it and not do anything? I just hope that if I do something, she'll receive it well. I'm also interested in her as a girlfriend but I suppose that's for another time... Please answer sincerely. Thanks. :) 

I spent my young adult life in the church so I think I can speak with some experience. This is your ideal opportunity, gifted to you on a plate, to ask her out. All you need is red roses and courage. Give her the roses and ask her for the honour of being her guy.

Relationships are like most things you do in life - no guts, no glory. If you are in the church you have learned about faith. Time to start working that faith muscle! Good luck.

I'm 16 and want to get laid

Francisco says;
I'm good at hooking up, ive hooked we 6 girls in the last year. One of them was 25, but what I need is to get laid. Now, how do I go from just hooking up to actual sex?

You don't NEED to get laid, you WANT to get laid. Nothing awful will happen to you if you don't. I was 23 and my Son who is 18 still hasn't, because he's fussy! That's despite having a permanent coke bottle down his pants like most young men have.

That said, if you want to, and you meet a girl who wants to with you, I see no harm in that, so long as you practice safe sex. If you're with a girl who likes you for long enough, it's almost inevitable. Be patient, be kind, be gentle, be helpful, make her laugh and appreciate her intellectual and emotional qualities - don't just tell her she's got great ****.

And finally, when you go from one "base" to another ask her permission first! Respect her wishes and feelings, and all things *** to those who are patient but persistent.

Why can't I make friends?

Kuni says:
.. I wouldn't say I'm unapproachable I'm just kinda quiet and look a little depressed at times but that's just me. I feel like ppl look down on me especially since there at times when I can't do my responsibilities as a class rep sometimes ppl judge me while when my other classmates did something wrong ppl joke it off and maintain good relationship idk what's wrong here:( I'm the kind of person that can't refuse ppl my classmates also use me and make me do things although we are very not close I just can't refuse and when I finish the work no one seems to care about me although I did it they care about the one that ordered me , really makes me feel depressed and unneeded. Always in class, I'm always there , alone . While everyone is within groups having discussions full of laughter. I realized I can't keep up conversations too when I approach others especially since my classmates are the popular types which swears etc I'm not this type I prefer talking life stuff.
So why???

Your issue is a simple one - LOW SELF-ESTEEM. You need to start believing in yourself. There's a very simple rule in psychology - whatever you keep thinking, you're going to get more of it! You need to shift your focus away from what you're not achieving and instead put it on something positive.

For example, you will have some kind of gift or talent, something you can do better than the average guy. Whatever that talent is, that's your destiny and fulfilment right there - you need to focus on it and the difference you can make with it. If you're not sure what you're good at, ask someone you respect to tell you.

You now need to do some research, firstly on ways to develop positive thinking and secondly how to develop your talent, so get Googleing! Once you realize what you're good at and what difference you want to make with it, you'll start to attract people who appreciate it and grow your own social circle.

Understand this - without self-belief there is only grief. Begin learning the discipline of positive thinking today!

He doesn't feel the same about me!

Anonymous says:
There's this guy I talk to him everyday and its been 7 months, we met online and in person once and we talk everyday. I thought he liked me because we would talk on the phone for 3 hours and because whenever I talked about guys he would get very jealous. He also trys to make me jealous by showing me girls that like him. 2 nights ago he asked me if I was talking to anyone and when I asked him why he assumed I was and kept saying I was lying when I told him I wasnt, and its the truth I only talk to him! Then he tried to play it off like he was only joking. last night I told him how I felt about him and we got into a huge fight b/c he wouldnt tell me how he felt and I kept saying I dont wanna talk to him anymore if he didnt want anything out of it because id be wasting my time. He pretty much told me he had no intention of dating me. Im going crazy I cant stop crying I want him! i ruined everything and I told him to lose my number we got in the biggest fight! ! WHAT DO I DO I FEEL HORRIBLE 

You DIDN'T ruin everything. There was never a proper relationship to ruin in the first place - it was clearly dysfunctional from the start. Everything about this encounter has FAIL written on it. You feel horrible because you liked the guy and you are conscious that you could have done things better. But even if you had, this is clearly a guy with issues who was never ready to be in a relationship.

There is much more to relationships than having the hots for each other. There has to be trust and kindness. These qualities are notably absent from your encounter - it would never have worked. please take one very important lesson from this - NEVER use jealousy to spice up a relationship - it only poisons it.

Dry your tears, take some time out and move on. I'm afraid getting your heart broken once or twice is kinda normal when you're searching for a partner. Don't despair - there really is someone for everyone, but it was never going to be this guy. 

Tuesday, 11 February 2014

My wife is worried about the babysitter

Irishfan says:
I’m 21, my wife is 21, and our son is 3. My wife and I are going out to dinner for our anniversary. Our go to babysitter, My wife’s sister, God bless her for giving up her Friday night to watch him but she wants her friends over. Her idea is to have 3 of her friends from high school come and watch him as well. They’re nice girls, but he’s never met them. 1 of 3 things will happen

1) he’s well behaved and they become “ friends”
2) he’s poorly behaved and they never watch him again
3) He’s too shy

My wife is worried that the girls will be to involved in one another that they'll forget about him.
Should we let the 2 girls watch him?

Your wife has it right. Babysitting and partying, no matter how low-key are mutually exclusive. Do not take any unnecessary chances with your child. They may be nice girls but they won't be attentive enough if they're distracted with each other. Get a babysitter who brings a book or some work, not one who wants to socialize.

Time to end it

Jane says:
My friend Jay(friend for a year) and I have been arguing a lot about little things and its really annoying me. The last thing I want to do is fight with a friend but it just keeps getting worst. I have tried to be nothing but nice to him but at this point I no longer wish to be his friend cause Im over it. Last week he claimed Im never nice to him and I dont care about him. So I asked him to provide an example(like always) he dismissed the conversation and changed the conversation even though he brought it. Toward the end of the conversation we both agreed to be a little more nicer toward one another. Two night ago I made a suggest(being nice) and he just came out of nowhere saying"I DONT CARE".Which made me stop talking to him because I can only be nice for so long. Im over the constant arguing over little things. I just blocked his number because I was so mad that I didnt want to say anything hurtful. Before that we argued back to back because he says I never call him. Anytime I tell him to call me its always" I dont call you cause you never call me". Then he claim I never ask him to hangout and he ALWAYS ask me to hangout with him. I never ask him to hang out cause he makes excuses as to why he cant come. "I need a better car""My car is unsafe to drive". Excuses!
Before in the beginning we would never fight. So Im really confused as to where this all came from. We'll be having a normal conversation and hell just turn it into an argument and I'll just stop talking cause I hate fighting. Months ago he told me he liked me and I asked him why dont you just ask me out he said "Im too chicken. I said "Oh well" because what am I suppose to do. Hes telling me he likes me just to do nothing about it. Then he said "whatever cause I need to get my car fix cause no female want to ride around in a beat up car with some guy" That car issue is his problem I never said I never wanted to be with him because of some car.Months after that he asked me if I "liked him yet?" I said "I did" because at one point I did but after year of it going nowhere I gave up on that months ago. I tried to be his friend but this arguing all the time is really annoying me. Any time he talks to me about a girl I tell him to date her so maybe our relationship would be better.

I dont know what I should do I would rather just ignore him till he gets that I no longer want to be his friend then telling him I no longer want to be his friend cause its easier. 

You can just let things "die a death" and since the relationship clearly hasn't been working, he ought to get the message. I think that's an acceptable thing to do. That said, the noblest most honorable way would be to say something like "I really do wish you every happiness but I can't see you anymore - it isn't working and just upsets me - I'll remember the good times but let's move on"

Well done for having the courage to see it's over - it's all life-lessons that will serve you in the future.

I grabbed his wrist

Priya R says:
So there is this guy I've a huge crush on. Many people (not kidding) think he's ugly. But frankly speaking I like him for his good heart and intelligent brain. So yesterday we go our annual class photographs to get autographs at the back. He had signed a simple "Best of luck". He had also said that that photo would be worth millions one day because he had signed it (he's the class topper and is very ambitious). Today, I and another friend of mine gave our photos to this guy. He kept the photos on his table and went away. My crush came by and randomly picked up the photos and started reading the well wishes. He again told me that that photo could make me a billionaire. I saw and I just be like, "Give it to me. You autographed, right?" He asked "Who's is it?" My name was written at the bottom. I said it was mine and he just be like "So? Can't I read it?" In an attempt to take it back, I caught hold of his wrist. He didn't wiggle or jiggle, he just stood. More like a statue. I held onto his wrist for a long time. He didn't try to remove my grip. Later when he said something, I laughed and our eyes met. He literally enlarged his eyes (sorta freaky).
Does he like me?
Should I ask him out? 

This is a no-brainer! Of course he likes you and of course you should ask him out. Have fun!

How do I break up with my fiancee?

Sugar Queen says:
I won't list all the reasons here. Only that he's a good person and I love him but I've never been in love with him. I haven't told him yet because I'm scared of the reactions of his and my family (I'm really young, so I'll probably get 'I told you so' looks). I love his family and his friends, too. I wish there was a way of going back to boyfriend and girlfriend, because, really, the prospect of marriage itself is what ruined the relationship. I wish I could still go to his house and watch movies and hang out with his friends, because I know after this, I'll never see them again.
I've tried to tell him, twice. But I kept losing my nerve and changing the subject. So I'm scared to talk to him face to face. You think it would be okay if I texted or emailed him that I want to break up, and then invite him over so I can give a full explanation? 

Time for courage. The longer you leave this the harder it will get. Do NOT do it by text. I have been told that it helps to meet in a public place, telling him you have something important to discuss.

This will not be pleasant but it is absolutely the right thing to do. The sooner you do it the sooner you can get on with your life. 

Monday, 10 February 2014

I still think about her

Toys says:
Ever since I left Germany five years ago (at the age of nearly 16) and moved to England my life has been pretty much on the decline. Not academically but much more personally…I’m no longer the same person I once used to be.

I’ve been thinking about reasons for my emotional state and have come to the conclusion that I’m missing my friends…especially a specific girl. The way I left was not respectful and I have so many regrets because I didn’t appreciate what I had. These days I’m more of an individual…I don’t have anyone around me and often feel very lonely.

Recently I’ve been thinking that maybe I should visit the place for some ‘closure’ because I can’t continue living with myself with all these ‘thoughts’ swirling around in my head. I want to see them again (especially her) for the final time in my life and apologise for my wrongdoings.

Do you think that this is a good idea?

It’s not that I want to confess my love to her. A lot has changed in recent years so she probably has a partner but I just need to see her once again with my eyes. 

The way you are looking at this is very sensible and reasonable. I understand your desire for "closure" but if you do this, you are taking a calculated risk - you might not get the response you were hoping for!
There's an old Tibetan proverb that says "when you lose, don't lose the lesson". I think it's time for you to stop beating yourself up about the past and move on, applying what you have learned to new situations. Otherwise you will just be stuck in a time-warp reliving past mistakes.

You are no longer that person, and neither are they - you have all moved on and gone separate ways. Accept this and start building a new life in England. Set yourself some achievable goals, work towards them and focus on making a difference now. We all have regret and loss in the past - stop letting it beat you up and start doing something positive where you are right now.

Why does he act so strangely?

KGirl says:
I was with my boyfriend and in a bad mood because I was reminded that I have to move in a few months. My boyfriend started being in a bad mood because I was. He asked how he could help. He asked if a kiss would help and I said yes. He kissed me on the cheek 3 times and hugged me 3 times too. He kept pacing back in forth between kisses and hugs like he had the jitters or was nervous. Sometimes he'd get really close to my face so our noses would touch and our lips would be about an inch apart. He would just stare at me and then start pacing again. Once, while our lips were about an inch apart, he turned his head a little so our noses weren't touching and then backed away and started pacing again. Why was he doing all this stuff?? 

You are over-analyzing this - the guy simply doesn't know how to deal with you. This is not uncommon, not many guys really understand what women want. Of course women make this worse by expecting their men to be like women and figure it out. Make it easy for him. Tell him yourself how you want to be kissed, hugged and consoled, and what you DON'T want. If you wait for him to figure it out you'll be waiting a long time! 

Am I being abused?

Nita Robinson says:
I think I may be involved in something like this but i'm really not sure. i have been with this man for several years and i am noticing lately more and more that i am feeling very bad about myself. i thought that when you were in a relationship you were to be able to talk about anything - i sometimes share things about myself with him and it's like he files it somewhere in the back of his head to use against me in a negative way later. it hurts because i never do that to him. he says he loves me more than anything and that nobody is ever going to love me like he does. he is constantly telling me about myself, my behavior, correcting me. some people say that verbal abuse is name calling, putting down and stuff like that. but what he does hurts and he has always said i'm too sensitive. and even after reading about emotional manipulation i'm still not sure what it is
This is NOT love - this is control. Someone who loves you appreciates you as you ARE, praises you, expresses gratitude and makes you feel worthy. You are being abused, pure and simple, and I see a lot of this. Get out and get out NOW. People WILL love you considerably better than this man, who doesn't love you at all - he just wants a submissive to control. The longer you put off making your escape, the worse it will be. Seek help from women's groups if necessary, but don't waste another minute. 

Thursday, 6 February 2014

I slept with my best friend's brother

Jesse says:
I really like my best friend even tho he has a girlfriend, I don't try to break them up or anything. But before they got together I told him I had feelings for him, but he had just got out of a relationship like a week before when I told him. He's a shy guy, and gets embarrassed over everything especially in front of me. He still flirts with me & touches my legs and stuff and stares at me in class & always smiles at me. Were super close. He told me to sleep with his older brother, and idid. After that, he got kinda sad I noticed. But yet he told me to do it.. I mean I know I don't have a chance since he has a girlfriend. Our friendship is still the same.. But why does he do This?! He's giving me so many mixed emotions. I know I need to move on but I'm stuck. 

You sound like two people who don't have the balls to disappoint other people and get what they really want, which is each other. Somebody here needs to start being decisive. I think you know it was a mistake to sleep with his brother because it's not what you actually wanted and has only complicated matters.

If you still want this guy then grow a pair and tell him how you feel and see if he's got the balls to make a clear choice. Take anything other than you right now as a no and move on. In future, bear in mind that sometimes you have to disappoint and frankly defeat the competition if you want to be happy and fulfill your heart's desire. Grow yourself some courage and decide for yourself who sleep with, not as suggested by anyone else.

Possessive Mom

abcdefg says:
Well first things first i live with my mom and i help pay the bills..I would like to move out once i have a better job to support myself but i think my mom wants me to live with her for the rest of my life :( My sister mentioned that we should all live together to save money & i thought it was a great idea that way when i have my savings together i can move out & my mom wont be alone but my mom doesnt like that idea because she likes to have privacy(My sis has 2 kids) Idk what to do..What would you all do?? 

You have the right to live your own life. Your mother is NOT your responsibility, no matter what anyone says. Of course you can be concerned for her but the best way to help her is to be happy yourself, and if that means striking out on your own, then do so. If your mum loves you rather than is simply just clinging to you, she will let you go. Love never forces its own way. Live your life be free, whether mom likes that or not - it's YOUR life. 

Will I EVER get a girlfriend?

Bigsmoke23 says:
I tried to call this girl today but my call just rang once and then went straight to voicemail saying that the number was busy. I also have trouble sending her texts and iMessage doesn't work. So I think she has blocked me. I feel so sad because when we first met it seemed like we got on really well. I cant see myself ever having a girlfriend as I am already nearly 24. I feel awful every time I get rejected and it sucks. How do I move on from these negative experiences and have hope for the future? 

There really is someone for everyone - the trouble is finding them! She is definitely out there somewhere! Two things you must do - firstly NEVER GIVE UP no matter how painful rejection is, just move on. Secondly I would join a reputable dating agency. This takes all the luck and guesswork out of meeting someone, and although it will cost you money, it will be worth it, besides which, if you want a girlfriend, I can tell you they're expensive anyway!