Carissa says:
How do you know if you're being too needy?
Unfortunately there isn't a formula. We all have genuine needs and
expectations from partners and we all don't like being suffocated.
Neither of these are wrong. Any relationship is a compromise where you give
space but also expect some commitment.
The bottom line is that your partner needs to be able to satisfy your
minimum requirements for attention. Those requirements are decided by
you being honest with yourself. If a partner is not prepared to meet
that minimum requirement, you need to end it and move on. Never settle
for a relationship that isn't making you happy.
Showing posts with label patience. Show all posts
Showing posts with label patience. Show all posts
Friday, 23 May 2014
Wednesday, 21 May 2014
Can I stop my Mother In Law hating me?
Amy says:
My fiance and I met in 2003 when we were teenagers, I was 17 and he was 19. We are now adults I am 28 and he is 30 so its been 11 years. My mother in law has never really liked me in fact she has always hated me. Partly cause my parents are lower class and recovering drug addicts.She has told me numerous times that because of who they are, or were, that she see's me as not good enough for her son.
My father in law used to always kinda kept her in check. There were occasions when she offered to buy her son a house if he left me or would go long periods of time without speaking to him because he refused to break up with me. In 2010/11 we actually did break up for 10 months because of family pressure and it causing us strain.
My fiance broke down without me and turned to drugs, I shut down socially and kinda just kept to myself and my family. We got back together cause we honestly we belong together. I got him to get clean which his mother knows. Anyway a few months after he got clean his father became sick and I got pregnant.
We uprooted and moved back near his family to help them out cause his father had cancer and where we were we had no help or support with a child. I actually dropped out of college and he left a great job. I stayed with his dad during the day while everyone worked and helped out around the house as much as I could. My mother in law was starting to take out her frustration with the whole situation on us.
You gave been incredibly forgiving and tolerant with this truly ghastly woman, and big respect to you for making every effort to win her over. Unfortunately you have failed. If you were going to win her over, you would have done it already.
Unfortunately other people often carry a bucket load of issues that were there long before you ever came along. You are not responsible for any of these issues or another persons inability to be reasonable. In an ideal world, once your Father In Law has passed on, the ideal move would be to rid your marriage of this malign influence for good. However that requires your husband to agree.
At the very least, keep this woman at arm's length - you have wasted enough time already trying to win an approval that will never come.
My fiance and I met in 2003 when we were teenagers, I was 17 and he was 19. We are now adults I am 28 and he is 30 so its been 11 years. My mother in law has never really liked me in fact she has always hated me. Partly cause my parents are lower class and recovering drug addicts.She has told me numerous times that because of who they are, or were, that she see's me as not good enough for her son.
My father in law used to always kinda kept her in check. There were occasions when she offered to buy her son a house if he left me or would go long periods of time without speaking to him because he refused to break up with me. In 2010/11 we actually did break up for 10 months because of family pressure and it causing us strain.
My fiance broke down without me and turned to drugs, I shut down socially and kinda just kept to myself and my family. We got back together cause we honestly we belong together. I got him to get clean which his mother knows. Anyway a few months after he got clean his father became sick and I got pregnant.
We uprooted and moved back near his family to help them out cause his father had cancer and where we were we had no help or support with a child. I actually dropped out of college and he left a great job. I stayed with his dad during the day while everyone worked and helped out around the house as much as I could. My mother in law was starting to take out her frustration with the whole situation on us.
You gave been incredibly forgiving and tolerant with this truly ghastly woman, and big respect to you for making every effort to win her over. Unfortunately you have failed. If you were going to win her over, you would have done it already.
Unfortunately other people often carry a bucket load of issues that were there long before you ever came along. You are not responsible for any of these issues or another persons inability to be reasonable. In an ideal world, once your Father In Law has passed on, the ideal move would be to rid your marriage of this malign influence for good. However that requires your husband to agree.
At the very least, keep this woman at arm's length - you have wasted enough time already trying to win an approval that will never come.
Tuesday, 20 May 2014
My marriage is in trouble!
Nicole says:
In July of 2013, my husband got with a group of people that he thought would help him in his business. They took him in, gave him a car, financed his club gigs, and kept him busy. Within a few months, he stopped coming home, started partying all night and hanging with strippers. He even told me he wanted a divorce because he was tired of me bitching about him not coming home. My husband was never like this before!! This went on for 5 months. I was so hurt, I would cry every day.
He would see me cry and walk right out the door. As it turned out, those people lied to him about a lot of things so he decided to stop associating with them. He came home and apologized and was back to the person he was before these people came along. My thing is, I can't get over it!
He was so arrogant and nasty to me when he thought those people were helping him. I hate him for it and he knows it. He's trying so hard to make me forget, and is being such a sweetheart, but I'm scarred. I get so angry with him and he'll just sit there like a little puppy. Honestly, i feel like I just don't know what to do. I'm still hurting from it 3 months later. Please help!
To say I forgive you is easy to say, but as you are finding out, very hard to do!
The fact is that your relationship has been damaged and will never be the same again, because now you know what he's capable of doing in the wrong circumstances. Trust, once lost, is very difficult and very slow to come back again.
If this relationship is to continue or if it doesn't, that hurt ISN'T going to ever go away. At best, it will become less painful and easier to carry with time. You have to accept that like you would for any bad experience. Your husband won't ever be able fix it.
The question is therefore not how to fix it, but do you still love him, and do you still want him? If the answer is YES then dictate reasonable terms for staying together - and if he breaks them, end it. But beating him continually over the head with what he did will not help you, him or the marriage. If you are going to carry on, you will have to be able to live with the hurt in return for being treated better from now on.
But only you know how strong you are and how deep your love is. Be completely honest with yourself. Only give him this second chance if you definitely don't want to be without him, and you are prepared to accept that he is not as strong as you would like him to be.
In July of 2013, my husband got with a group of people that he thought would help him in his business. They took him in, gave him a car, financed his club gigs, and kept him busy. Within a few months, he stopped coming home, started partying all night and hanging with strippers. He even told me he wanted a divorce because he was tired of me bitching about him not coming home. My husband was never like this before!! This went on for 5 months. I was so hurt, I would cry every day.
He would see me cry and walk right out the door. As it turned out, those people lied to him about a lot of things so he decided to stop associating with them. He came home and apologized and was back to the person he was before these people came along. My thing is, I can't get over it!
He was so arrogant and nasty to me when he thought those people were helping him. I hate him for it and he knows it. He's trying so hard to make me forget, and is being such a sweetheart, but I'm scarred. I get so angry with him and he'll just sit there like a little puppy. Honestly, i feel like I just don't know what to do. I'm still hurting from it 3 months later. Please help!
To say I forgive you is easy to say, but as you are finding out, very hard to do!
The fact is that your relationship has been damaged and will never be the same again, because now you know what he's capable of doing in the wrong circumstances. Trust, once lost, is very difficult and very slow to come back again.
If this relationship is to continue or if it doesn't, that hurt ISN'T going to ever go away. At best, it will become less painful and easier to carry with time. You have to accept that like you would for any bad experience. Your husband won't ever be able fix it.
The question is therefore not how to fix it, but do you still love him, and do you still want him? If the answer is YES then dictate reasonable terms for staying together - and if he breaks them, end it. But beating him continually over the head with what he did will not help you, him or the marriage. If you are going to carry on, you will have to be able to live with the hurt in return for being treated better from now on.
But only you know how strong you are and how deep your love is. Be completely honest with yourself. Only give him this second chance if you definitely don't want to be without him, and you are prepared to accept that he is not as strong as you would like him to be.
Thursday, 20 February 2014
My mum doesn't like my boyfriend
Rathy says:
I mean she doesn't even know him well and she has never met him but my sister and my mum are saying that he's probably not even committed and that he is probably jut playing with me... Isn't it slightly unfair of them to say that when they haven't even met him and seen how lovely he is? and every time my mother gets angry at me, she always shouts at me by saying that when I'm older, I'll be having a lot of one night stands and basically labelling me as a S**T. I don't understand.
By the way, I come from India but i was practically raised in England and my mum has always told me that she's 'different' from other parents and that she would not mind if I had a boyfriend. But now that I do, she keeps judging me and its like the whole family has turned against me just because of the reason that I am seeing a guy who i really like. And now my mother is also saying that Im not allowed to go out to see him...but I like him and do you think it is okay for me to keep seeing him secretly? or is there a way to talk to my mum about this without her head literally blowing up with anger? :( Im sixteen by the way.
Your mother clearly has issues from some kind of bad experience and is afraid for you. That said, you have the right to live your own life. If I was in your position I would secretly date the person until I was of age. Short of locking you up, I can't see her stopping you.
If you want to reason with your mother, try getting her head first - ask if she has had any bad experiences herself.
I mean she doesn't even know him well and she has never met him but my sister and my mum are saying that he's probably not even committed and that he is probably jut playing with me... Isn't it slightly unfair of them to say that when they haven't even met him and seen how lovely he is? and every time my mother gets angry at me, she always shouts at me by saying that when I'm older, I'll be having a lot of one night stands and basically labelling me as a S**T. I don't understand.
By the way, I come from India but i was practically raised in England and my mum has always told me that she's 'different' from other parents and that she would not mind if I had a boyfriend. But now that I do, she keeps judging me and its like the whole family has turned against me just because of the reason that I am seeing a guy who i really like. And now my mother is also saying that Im not allowed to go out to see him...but I like him and do you think it is okay for me to keep seeing him secretly? or is there a way to talk to my mum about this without her head literally blowing up with anger? :( Im sixteen by the way.
Your mother clearly has issues from some kind of bad experience and is afraid for you. That said, you have the right to live your own life. If I was in your position I would secretly date the person until I was of age. Short of locking you up, I can't see her stopping you.
If you want to reason with your mother, try getting her head first - ask if she has had any bad experiences herself.
My 13 year old daughter wants to date
Tim Says:
My 13 year old daughter recently asked me if she was allowed to date. She said she wanted to date this 14 year old boy (Let's call him Thomas). She has known the boy for about 8 months. I've met him several times and he's a really nice boy. He's only dated one other girl and their relationship lasted 8 months. I don't worry about her having sex because she is FTM (some transgender thing) and she is very uncomfortable with her girl parts. So Im just wondering if I should allow it or not?
I don't see an issue. I've heard it said that parenting teens is like holding a wet bar of soap. Hold too tightly and you will crush the bar or it will shoot out of your hand. Hold too loosely and it will drop away. So hold the bar gently but surely. Let her do her thing, give her freedom to make choices, but step in if and when her wellbeing is threatened. Short of this, let her learn through her own mistakes and successes.
My 13 year old daughter recently asked me if she was allowed to date. She said she wanted to date this 14 year old boy (Let's call him Thomas). She has known the boy for about 8 months. I've met him several times and he's a really nice boy. He's only dated one other girl and their relationship lasted 8 months. I don't worry about her having sex because she is FTM (some transgender thing) and she is very uncomfortable with her girl parts. So Im just wondering if I should allow it or not?
I don't see an issue. I've heard it said that parenting teens is like holding a wet bar of soap. Hold too tightly and you will crush the bar or it will shoot out of your hand. Hold too loosely and it will drop away. So hold the bar gently but surely. Let her do her thing, give her freedom to make choices, but step in if and when her wellbeing is threatened. Short of this, let her learn through her own mistakes and successes.
She wants to take it slower than I would like
James says:
Met a girl about 3 weeks ago and we get on really well.
We've met up about 4/5 times now and i've been to her house and met her parents and she's been to mine etc.
Last night, I was at her house and she cooked dinner. We were in her bedroom and I told her that I really like her and attracted to her and asked if we could take things further.
She said she really likes me and and likes spending time with me and she's glad I told her . She's also turned down other guys for me. But she's starting a new job next week and for the moment, she's going to be working 2x jobs. She said she didn't have any expectations and wanted to focus on herself for a bit. We still passionately kissed and it was awesome.
I told her i'm in no rush as this is still kind of new to me. She still wants to see me. I said the last thing I want is to be friend-zoned and she said she's not going to do that to me.
Just wondering if anyone has been in this situation before? Not sure where to go from here to be honest. Feel a little bit heartbroken
Easy tiger! I don't see a problem here. it is normally the prerogative of girls to set the pace. If you want her, you will accept that and enjoy your times together. The spaces between are good for you, keeping you interested and at the same time allowing you both to grow as individuals. Accept her reassurances and trust her unless/until you have firm evidence she no longer wants you.
Met a girl about 3 weeks ago and we get on really well.
We've met up about 4/5 times now and i've been to her house and met her parents and she's been to mine etc.
Last night, I was at her house and she cooked dinner. We were in her bedroom and I told her that I really like her and attracted to her and asked if we could take things further.
She said she really likes me and and likes spending time with me and she's glad I told her . She's also turned down other guys for me. But she's starting a new job next week and for the moment, she's going to be working 2x jobs. She said she didn't have any expectations and wanted to focus on herself for a bit. We still passionately kissed and it was awesome.
I told her i'm in no rush as this is still kind of new to me. She still wants to see me. I said the last thing I want is to be friend-zoned and she said she's not going to do that to me.
Just wondering if anyone has been in this situation before? Not sure where to go from here to be honest. Feel a little bit heartbroken
Easy tiger! I don't see a problem here. it is normally the prerogative of girls to set the pace. If you want her, you will accept that and enjoy your times together. The spaces between are good for you, keeping you interested and at the same time allowing you both to grow as individuals. Accept her reassurances and trust her unless/until you have firm evidence she no longer wants you.
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